Have you heard the story about the famous art collector? He was strolling around downtown when he noticed a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store.

 Many might ignore the scene, but something caused him to look a second time. Almost instantly he recognized the saucer as an extremely old and very valuable piece of pottery, and so he decided to purchase the saucer.

 Casually he walked  into the store and up to the storeowner, where he offered to buy the cat for two  dollars.
 "I'm sorry, but the  cat isn't for sale," the storeowner replied.

 "Please, I need a cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat," the collector said.

 The owner looked thoughtful for a moment, and then said "Sold."

 After the famous art collector had received the cat from the owner, the collector said,

 "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to
  it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."

 The storeowner replied, "I'm sorry sir, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold
  thirty-five
  cats."
 

How strange that nature does not knock, and yet does not intrude!
-Emily Dickinson

Don't knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn't start conversation if it didn't change o

 I enjoy watching people eat fruit. In fact, I sometimes give it away when
people visit (oranges especially). I never thought of the legal ramifications of
my generosity until recently though, when a lawyer friend visited me.
"You shouldn't give this away so easily" he said. "It's possible a stranger
would visit you and partake of your generosity, then later sue you for
damages."
 "What do you suggest I do?" I asked, quite concerned about the possibility of
facing a lawsuit.
 "I'd recommend you precede your fruit giving by the following statement" he
said, before inhaling a large breath and beginning his discourse.
 "Know all men by these presents that I hereby give, grant, bargain, sell,
release, convey, transfer, and quitclaim all my right, title, interest, benefit,
and use whatever in, of and concerning this chattel, otherwise known as an
orange or citrus orantium, together with all the appurtenances thereto of skin,
pulp, pip, rind, seeds, and juice, to have and to hold the said orange together
with its skin, pulp, pip, rind, seeds, and juice for his own use and behoof, to
himself and his heirs in fee simple forever, free from a liens, encumbrances,
easements, limitations, restraints, or conditions whatsoever, any and all prior
deeds, transfers or other documents whatsoever, not or anywhere made to the
contrary notwithstanding, with full power to bite, cut, suck, or otherwise eat
the said orange or give away the same, with or without its skin, pulp, pip,
rind, seeds or juice.'
 

We've
all been passed by motorists on the road going much faster than we were. But
you can imagine my shock at recently being passed by a speeding lady going down
the middle of the road's dotted line at a truly breakneck speed (at least 100
mph, on only a two lane road)!
The danger she proposed was high, so you can imagine my relief when I passed
her later on down the road parked in front of a car with whirling lights. Their
conversation went something like this...
 "License and Registration please," the officer asked.
 "It's okay, Officer, I have a special license that allows me to do this," said the lady, smiling.
 "Yeah, right!" he replied, "I've never heard of such a license.
 The lady reached into her purse and handed him her license.
 "Just as I suspected," the officer said, "this is an ordinary license, and I see nothing here that would allow you special consideration."
 But the lady, still smiling, pointed to the bottom of the license.

"See? It says so right here: 'Tear Along The Dotted Line.'"
 

A word to the wise ain't necessary
It's the stupid ones that need the advice.
     -Bill Cosby

Come forth into the light of things,
let nature be your teacher.

 A funny guy once said to me, "I'm planning to retire and live off my
savings. What I'll do the second day, I have no idea."
 

 HILARIOUS JOKES AND HUMOR 
An elderly gentleman I know (who loves golfing) recently moved to a
new town and joined the local golfing club. But when he went to the Club for the
first time to play he was told there wasn't anybody he could play with because
they were all out on the course.


Seeing my friend's disappointment, the assistant pro came over and asked how
good a player he was.


"I'm really not that bad," he replied. "The only real problem I have is
getting out of sand traps."


The assistant pro decided to try him out. It turned out he did play well, and
coming to the par four 18th they were both even.


The pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green where he landed
2-putts for a par. My friend had a nice drive also, but his approach shot landed
in a sand trap next to the green.


Playing from the sand trap he hit a high ball which landed on the green...
and rolled right into the hole! It was a Birdie and he won the game.


The pro walked over to the sand trap where my friend was still standing.


"Nice shot" he said, "but I thought you said you have a problem getting out
of sand traps?".


"I do. Could you please give me a hand?" my friend asked. 

Dont't pray when it rains
if you don't pray when the sun shines.